Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in
the month when all a man has to do is open his
mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into
his own hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common
as a driver's license in the wallet of every
husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Pregnancy,
Estrogen, and a Woman
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes
college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody
that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain
I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she
right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the
delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while
recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very
quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my
wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese
omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your
jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to
everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up
every bumper sticker that says: "How's my
driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to
batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from
"outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon
bigger than SuperPlus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to
drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought
it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY a WOMAN UNDERSTANDS
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in
different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your
best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream,
off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever
made.
AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a
woman understands:
1. OTHER WOMEN
UCLA Study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of
Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male
face a woman finds attractive can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual
cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is
attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his
temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
New Medications
for Women
St. Mon's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six
hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast
size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of
country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent anti boyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want
to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending
spree.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your anniversary or phone number.
A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used
on anyone too eager to share their life stories
with total strangers.
And the best:
D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell
for up to 8 hours.
"The good wife's guide" This is an actual
article from the Housekeeping Monthly
Magazine 13 May 1955
Ø
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night
before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time
for his return. This is a way of letting him
know that you have been thinking about him and
are concerned about his needs. Most men are
hungry when they come home and the prospect of a
good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part
of the warm welcome needed.
Ø
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so
you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up
your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be
fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people.
Ø
Be a little gay and a little more interesting
for him. His boring day may need a lift and one
of your duties is to provide it.
Ø
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip
through the main part of the house just before
your husband arrives.
Ø
Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and
then tables.
Ø
Over the cooler months of the year you should
prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of
rest and order, and it will give you a lift
too. After all, catering for his comfort will
provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Ø
Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to
wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are
small), comb their hair and, if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures
and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival,
eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or
vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
quiet.
Ø
Be happy to see him.
Ø
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity
in your desire to please him.
Ø
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important
things to tell him, but the moment of his
arrival is not the time. Let him talk
first-remember his topics of conversation are
more important than yours.
Ø
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes
home late or goes out to dinner, or other places
of entertainment without you. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure and
his very real need to be at home and relax.
Ø
Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of
peace, order, and tranquility where your husband
can renew himself.
Ø
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Ø
Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or
even if he stays out all night. Count this as a
minor compared to what he might have gone
through that day.
Ø
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a
chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have
a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Ø
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his
shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant
voice.
Ø
Don’t ask him questions about his actions or
question his judgment or integrity. Remember,
he is the master of the house and as such will
always exercise his will with fairness and
truthfulness. You have no right to question
him.
Ø
A good wife always knows her place.
What do they call
a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer:
"Lazy."
Two guys and a
girl were sitting at a bar talking about their
lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young
Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know,
Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron,
Fuck, Etc."
What do you call a
room full of women, half with PMS, half with
yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.
Why is it called
PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already
taken.
A woman went to a
doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem.
every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor
said, oh really, what have you been doing for
it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
To be happy with a
man, you must understand him a lot and love him
a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a
lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman is
shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband,
but she is concerned that the prices that the
Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to
the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I
have a frog in the back that I can let you have
for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman
replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a
frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been
trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is
stunned, but because her husband loves this sort
of sex, and because she is not particularly fond
of it, she decides the frog might be a good
investment. She buys the frog, brings it home,
presents it to her husband, and explains its
special value. The husband is skeptical, but
promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to
sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by
her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened
by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes
downstairs and finds the frog and her husband
pulling out pots and pans and poring over
cookbooks." What are you two doing down here?"
she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach
this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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